Suicide; Food; Challenges; Adversity; Bible

I wrote the following message to a friend in private message on Facebook. The topic of suicide came up, and so I thought that I would share this with you. The rest of my post tells you all.

I actually wanted to kill myself 5 years ago. I was in the Canadian Forces Army Reserves. I was doing fairly well, but I was so miserable inside. I wanted to kill everybody, and then myself. I think that the desire to kill everybody came from my frustration at the stupidity around me and the way that I felt like a failure. I never planned anything, or acted on it, because I believe it to be morally wrong, but I was so frustrated at how much the idea of killing occupied my mind. It was frightening, because I never experienced anything like this before.

Before, it was just an intellectual discussion on whether [suicide] was right or wrong. Nobody told me that I'd feel this way or how to get it out of my head. In the end, I went to group therapy for depression, even though I was never clinically diagnosed for it. The things that I learned about life in and out of that group help me a lot. From my own perspective, and from the discussions that I've read on the web, I think that these factors are influencing these people.

1. lack of morals; or at least lack of a moral against suicide
2. selfishness; or at least a short sighted perspective
3. a romanticized perspective on doctor assisted suicide
4. hopelessness

Regarding #1, my morals against suicide were like a microscopically thin thread that held me, as I dangled over a cliff, but it was the only thing needed to keep me alive. It wasn't enough to make me happy, though. A lot of people have no qualms against this.

Regarding #2, we usually only see discussions about the person killing himself or herself. You'd hardly ever see the family and friends portrayed as victims. From my own experience, I can see that I only thought about my own suffering, instead of whether or not it was best for society whether I lived or survived.

The fact is, as sadistic as it sounds, it's often better for society, when we make the person survive. I participated in a Canada wide project about male suicide and the impact that it had. A bunch of us took photos of things that symbolized our thoughts. A key thing that came up from the families is that they never even knew. It was only in hindsight that they could see signs.

It would be cold and callous to examine the cost of the death in terms of time and dollars, but you can imagine how it will all play out. The suicide guy won't care about that, and might even do it to spite the family. Then there are people, who do it for the insurance for their families, but still.

Regarding #3, just today, somebody posted some info on Robin Williams. Because he is such a hero, it's no surprise that people look at his suicide as a respectable option to avoid an ugly future with a disease. I totally grasp that thought process, even though I disagree with it.

The [problem] that I saw was the justification of his decision, and to make matters worse, they actually posted a 1-800 number for people wanting to commit suicide. I honestly don't know if I would have made the conscious connection to kill myself after reading all that without the 1-800 number, but that 1-800 number clearly signalled to me that I should kill myself, even though the number was for the opposite.

You have probably heard that suicide rates tend to spike, when the subject is broadcasted in the news. So, you can imagine how angry I was, even though I didn't feel like killing myself. It's like sending somebody a rope, and then saying, "Don't tie this rope to that beam. Don't stand on that chair. This is how you make a noose, but don't put it around your neck.". You'd think that not suggesting it would be obvious; especially since sympathizers tend to talk about how hard it is to think of others when wrestling with suicide. Despite all that, people can't see the problem with the romanticization of Robin Williams death right next to a 1-800 number. I spoke out on it, but of course the community silenced me.

Regarding #4, I can't underscore this enough. I think that society has become so intolerant, cold, and clinical. I think that our modern world has sheltered us from natural adversity to the point, where we are so afraid of it, and where we don't realize what it is costing us. I think that it is costing us a fundamental happiness that can't really be catered to. It's something that we really have to earn by the intellectual decisions we make, and the labour we do.

Whether we are building the next sky scraper, levelling a mountain, creating a forest, or getting out of bed while wrestling with depression, it's all the same. It's only the difficulty and the scale that's different.

I think that a lot of people wrestle with thoughts of depression and suicide, because they don't see the challenge in any thing. Some times it's their own fault, though.

That being said, [I] don't support doctor assisted suicide, but I do think that government organizations shouldn't stop people from doing this, because it's a burden on the taxpayer. A lot of these people can't see the forest for the trees, and we can't make them.

That being said, I support the idea of non-government organizations trying to put a stop to suicide by offering support to people suffering all kinds of adversity. Also, the organizations could find ways of helping us to avoid unhealthy situations. If we see the need to labour and to create and to manage as costs to be managed, then we can think of the workplace as something different. Maybe I'm wrong, but I think that I'm right.

In the last year or so, I've come to the conclusion that a lot of what we think of as personal responsibility is not the case. I believe that God provides all our food. In the Bible, he create[d] food before people. He fed the 5,000, the 4,000, and he turned water into wine, and he provided manna in the desert. He never once in the Bible helped somebody to survive starvation by putting nutrients in the body, even though God can do that. Clearly, he wants us to eat.

On top of that, nutrition is really a modern concept, so obviously, he didn't intend for us to be required to "know nutrition, or else". Knowing nutrition only helps us to better understand his will.

This is mostly why I believe that he created food on the ark for Noah, and the other humans, and the animals. The passage indicates that Noah had no idea how long he would be on board, and therefore would not be able to prepare enough food. I say all this, with full knowledge that people and animals are starving to death. I say all this, because I think that we are controlling our lives, instead of living properly, and it's making us miserable.

The end. Thank you for reading!